WHAT I DID ON MY WINTER VACATION by Teresa Heffner, with asides by Mary McKenzie

I have never written for an audience before.  Well...at least not on purpose.  There was that one time that I responded to an e-mail from a friend and went on a two page rant only to find out that there are two buttons to push when you want to respond.  One of the buttons reads "to all".  Needless to say, I am very careful with my response button pushing now.

About my trip to Alaska.  It was oodles of fun!  Jill and Mary picked me up.  I was coming down an escalator, taking in all the sites of this new and wondrous airport (picture Jed Clampett coming to California) and Mary was standing at the bottom waiting for me to notice her.  I believe I may have bumped into her.   We stayed up late, (yes funny people that know me it was waaaay past 7:00) and then I panicked when Mary said we would be waking at 4:00 (yes a.m.) to go for a walk.  If I had known that I was helping her win a bet with her cousin/uncle/brother-in-law, (I really have to learn to pay attention to people when I am introduced) I would have said No.  But she didn't tell me that part and I was excited to meet Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. (Smitty) .

The next morning I was up and outside, smoking of course, and he pulled up and I ran (you don't really run anywhere outside in Alaska, you walk really slowly with little itty bitty baby steps and hope to God you don't fall on your ass/face (ha ha, ha ha. Assface.) and if you do fall on your ass/face you hope you don't pee yourself or poo yourself because you will most likely be unconscious and someone will have to help you and that could be really embarrassing.  I live alone and have no rubber mat in my tub, I have a lot of time to think about these things) and I met Tommy, Tommy, Tommy!  I call him Tommy too, I just don't say it three times like Mary. (I don't always say Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. That's just what Teresa hears because she's busy thinking, "Why is she talking? and why is she not saying Daryl, Daryl, Daryl?")  She asked me what he told me to call him and of course I don't remember him telling me to call him anything, I believe I just said something like, "you must be Tommy!"  Can you imagine who else might be pulling up in Mary's driveway at 4 a.m.?  So, if he wanted/wants me to call him something other than Tommy, he had his opportunity and now it's stuck in my head and really, if he knew me he would take it as a compliment that I remember his name at all as I have M.O.R.  or Midlife Onset Retardation, and rarely remember anyone's name.  P.S.  That's why I can't go anywhere now that Mary is in Alaska, because as my wingman, she whispered people's names to me when they approached so I would not offend and she wouldn't have to explain that she was taking me out on a day trip.

OMG!  I digress.

We went for a walk with Tommy, he is as lovely as she has described him.  The dome that they walk in is very cool.  Couldn't imagine walking in a rubber hut for fun, but it was.  Then we went home and had breakfast and did a crossword puzzle and then took a giant nap because Mary had lots of fun things in store for me. She's the best friend, ever! (Oops. She's the best friend, ever!)

We drove to some big mountain place (Alyeska at Girdwood, about an hour south of town) stopping along the way to see some sights, the other mountains and stuff  (Cook Inlet and Turnagain Arm and the Alaska Range)  We saw two billy goats or mountain goats. Really, they could have been deer--Mary has a bit of a lead foot. (Yep, mountain goats. And they were actually off the mountain and on the side of the road. Very unusual.) We ate lunch at a little bakery at the bottom of the hill and then we went to this cool lodge place that had a tram that took us up the mountain.  HOLY GOD ALMIGHTY, I just remembered that that was the scariest part of the whole trip.  We got on when there were about 8 people on there and then all of a sudden this herd of people got on and smooshed us in and they just kept coming with their heavy skis and heavy clothes and heavy boots and I thought, THERE IS NO WAY THIS THING IS GOING TO MAKE IT, WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE PLUMMETING THROUGH THE SKY ALL THE WHILE BEING BLINDED MY THE POINTY END OF THEIR DAMN SKI'S!  We did make it, and it was really beautiful up there.   Took some pictures. We were the only people on the thing on the way down.

We went to goodwill or some kind of will (Value Village) and Mary got a couple of shirts or sweaters or something and a really cool coat for Melanie. Oh man. She had been eyeing it but it was 40 bucks! At the thrift store! But it was 1/2 off Orange Tags that day. Jackpot! It is a classic 70's full length, fur lined, suede coat complete with warm, furry collar of some sort. It fits Mel like a glove and she looks absolutely killer in it. Plus it is really warm and cozy. Bonus points for this mother-in-law.

We went out to eat after that ( we went to where Mel works and gave her the coat and she was super excited) and Mary almost died onaccounta she was really hungry and thought she was gonna die of it (too much coffee. Bad idea).  Being her good friend, I scraped some gum off the underside of the table but she wanted no part of it...hungry, ha!  I gave her a lifesaver, and saved her life.  It was butter rum. (It's true. But not only did she save my life, she saved the lives of countless others around her, most certainly her own. If any blood was to be spilled, I'm pretty sure Teresa may have had it coming.  It was a valuable reminder of why I limit my caffeine intake.) 

I'm tired of this now.  Maybe I will tell you about the rest of this on the next episode of WHAT I DID ON MY WINTER VACATION. (Good job first time blogger. Blogging is way harder than it looks, huh Teresa? Or should I say Chatty McRamblerpants?)